Temporary Reprieve Denied!

The neighbor's grey cat was outside for most of last week and through the weekend, which just terrorized Cruiser and Spit. The grey cat prowled their backyard and sat at our backdoor. Even Spit trying to attack her through the door did not deter her. In response, both cats turned into dogs and started burrowing under the fence to get at her, or at least to see underneath and give her the stink eye.



I went to the Idaho Watercolor society meeting this afternoon, which lasted about 3 hours. They really are very nice. It was definitely not the worst of meetings that I've seen, but I have the control freaks to avoid pinned down. Dwight Williams was the only guy and he sat in the back and drew cartoons that he passed around. He questioned the legitimacy of the guy who is doing the annual art workshop, because he was not born until 1951! I am helping with the annual workshop, but I said I can't commit to much in June, given my circumstances.

Then I got home and opened the unemployment reject letter. Temporary reprieve is denied. The State of California can't give money away fast enough, but not to me. I had a good cry and went to a meeting. I shared my experience and that I'm tired. I already took the job at less than half of my salary, I already worked a job I hated for more than 5 years, I already sold my house at a loss, I already let go of half of what I own, I already filed for bankruptcy and lived without credit. Each time I've picked myself up and tried to move forward, but I'm really, really tired.

Someone described the feeling as weary, which she felt also and I think that is the perfect word. Someone said everything has a beginning, a middle, and an end, and thought it sounded like I was past the middle. (Some hope there!) Someone mentioned the first Beatitudes,

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Verse 3)

Since I don't know my Bible very well, here is comments on the first Beatitudes from New Advent.org (http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/02371a.htm):

The word poor seems to represent an Aramaic 'ányâ (Hebrew 'anî), bent down, afflicted, miserable, poor; while meek is rather a synonym from the same root, 'ánwan (Hebrew 'ánaw), bending oneself down, humble, meek, gentle. Some scholars would attach to the former word also the sense of humility; others think of "beggars before God" humbly acknowledging their need of Divine help. But the opposition of "rich" (Luke 6:24) points especially to the common and obvious meaning, which, however, ought not to be confined to economical need and distress, but may comprehend the whole of the painful condition of the poor: their low estate, their social dependence, their defenceless exposure to injustice from the rich and the mighty. Besides the Lord's blessing, the promise of the heavenly kingdom is not bestowed on the actual external condition of such poverty. The blessed ones are the poor "in spirit", who by their free will are ready to bear for God's sake this painful and humble condition, even though at present they be actually rich and happy; while on the other hand, the really poor man may fall short of this poverty "in spirit".

I know enough to know that often when poor or meek is used to quote from the Bible, it does not mean the same as what we think the words mean today, it means something more like humble.

And then there is Psalm 34:18 (English Standard Version)

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.

I feel much better now. People always talk about letting things go, easy to say and hard to do. If I really knew what that meant I would do it right now. Someday I am going to look back on the last 7 years and it will all make sense. All I can say today is that I learned a whole lot and I'm still here and I know people that are worse off than me.

I'm sure there is some connection between what I am going through today and the work I am doing for the Artists Way and the creative work I have been doing since I lost my house. I feels very strange to be working on something telling me let myself be myself, to follow my life's purpose, and pay attention to what that means, and then feel like I am getting absolutely no help in being that person, like I will forever be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Reading about synchronicity is really starting to piss me off.

The bright side is that was me today, going and sharing my resentment and anger and crying in front of a group of people that are mostly strangers, and feeling understood and not judged. Thank God I have that today. I guess I am not done crying.