Unemployed

The coyote came back yesterday in the early evening and boldly came close to the house. It seemed to be looking in all of the old ground squirrel holes and not finding anything, because between Dad and Sophie there are not many left. Sophie caught two during our dinner, and these were not at all dead when she found them. I am glad Dad is here to take care of them this time. Spit spent the entire day under the covers after her not all close encounter with the coyote and I was concerned about her ability to adjust to country life, except that as soon as it was time for her evening stroll she was outside in a minute.

I did not get on my schedule yesterday and I am not sure what I did with the day, which made me finally realize I am unemployed. Not just unemployed, but unemployed and ineligible to unemployment. In 2003 I took a job that turned out not to be what was promised, complained about it, and then was harassed for a year as the owner tried to get me to quit. I hung on until I was fired so I could collect unemployment, and because I was righteous and stubborn. I am not sure it was worth it. By the end of the year of harassment, I was so demoralized that I could not pick myself up and get another job or pick another career and instead stayed focused on my anger at the old job. To quit my last job because I am inspired to do something else feels much better, but I may have to stop reading the unemployment news, which is especially bad today.

Today I am more on track and have already transferred the drawings for two small paintings to watercolor paper. One thing to remember, do not smash bugs on the nice clean white stretched paper. I also started cleaning out cabinets in Dad's studio, with permission. I don't know how Dad will ever pack and move this stuff. (There is that wreckage of the future again.) One downside of having a large property with lots of storage is that you never have to throw anything away.

My life in the cold apartment and in the County job seems light years ago already and I have stopped clenching my teeth in my sleep.

Topic #5 is Inspiration by Patanjali,

“When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great, and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.”

This is such a great topic that I think I will stay with it for a few days and add a few more days to achieving enlightenment. The author of the book calls this being "on purpose in life," it is also called flow, or peak experience. For the artist, this state is well known, although sometimes brief, because it is achieved while creating. When I sold my house, which my realtor corrects me was a Short Sale, not a Short pay, I realized I had not painted anything during the entire 6 years I was there. I don't know why, maybe I was too preoccupied with paying the mortgage, maybe I did not see the point. So after I moved out, I started painting again in all of my spare time, which was by then a lot of time, since I could no longer shop or do home improvement. While I worked sometimes I would have arguments with God, where God would remind me he gave me a talent that I should not waste, and I would ask God why he has not allowed me to make a living at it then, and God would tell me just to paint for now and he would take care of the rest. Maybe it took faith I did not have before to just paint for now. There is also for me something about being in that state of purpose that makes it intolerable to walk around in regular life doing purposeless things surrounded by mindless people.

The author of the book reassures me that when I am in a centered state of purpose, what I need will show up. I think for me I will also recognize what I always had and did not notice, because that is already happening.