Appreciation and Forgiveness

This afternoon I had a good conversation with my boss' boss. She is tough but also kind and I really admire that combination. She initiated the conversation and I appreciated being able to be honest. It appears I have some job security, at least as much as you can nowadays. I think that is the first conversation I've had with a boss where we talked about people being intimidated by me and they did not tell me I had to work on not being intimidating. I also had someone else at work describe me as calm, hah! It must be my efforts to deflect the spinning top that works next to me.

Last night I decided to go by Lowe's and buy some replacement sprinklers and accidentally got on the freeway. I got caught in traffic and I had to slow down to 50 mph for a while. I replaced three sprinklers. Replacing sprinklers is not my favorite home improvement job, but I replaced a whole lot of sprinklers in my life and really the hardest part is buying the right replacement. I figure the cost of sprinklers that actually water will be offset by water savings, but we are not talking about a long sprinkler season here.

Before I went on my trip I treated my car to an oil change. It didn't really need it, but it's been 8 months and I was driving pretty many miles. With using cruise control half of the time and the oil change, I got 59 mpg. That's awesome. To celebrate, I pealed off the last of the LA carpool lane sticker left on my bumper. It's no good in LA anymore anyway and was the last identification with Cali left on my car.

Once it got hotter, my cats stopped being cuddly, but they are back at it since I returned from my trip even though it is still hot. Spit lays across me when I watch TV, aren't you hot Spit? Cruiser lays next to me with his arm across mine and his chin on my hand when I go to bed, aren't you hot Cruiser?

It was much cooler this morning and this must be the hint of fall before it gets really hot again. It's hard not to think about all of those things that need to get done before winter that you don't think about in Cali. I would like to paint my room, but I would have to do it while I can still open a window all night, which gives me to about October. I did rearrange my room. The best place for the dresser was right on top of the air vent and this didn't seem so bad in winter, but this summer I felt like I wasn't getting any air in my room, so I moved the dresser off of the vent and against another wall. This means that my bed has to be right under the window, which is a bit weird and not good feng shui, but at least it is on the second story.

Some other funny things here are the spider webs and how I have to keep up with the indoor trash in summer. All winter I can't open a window, which really bothers me, but the house never smelled. Now that I can open all the windows, which are open almost all the time, I have to keep up with the trash and clean the cat box straightaway. Onion peels go straight in the outdoor trash and the broiler pan gets cleaned right after dinner. Things are also sprouting or molding quickly even in the fridge, I threw out a new garlic bulb because it was all sprouts. I have not noticed my house to be more spidery than any other house I've lived in, but there are webs outside everywhere. Once a week I am outside sweeping webs away and I think if I left them my house would look perfect for Halloween.

The next two topics from Wisdom of the Ages are Appreciation and Forgiveness.

For Appreciation there is a poem by Dorothy Parker,

On Being A Woman

Why is it, when I am in Rome,
I'd give an eye to be at home,
But when on native earth I be,
My soul is sick for Italy?

And why with you, my love, my lord,
Am I spectacularly bored,
Yet do you up and leave me- then
I scream to have you back again?

Sounds like a grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side issue to me, and that is not unique to women. The enlightened answer, again, is to live in the present. That is hard when you are really hating the present. When I was not getting a job I kept reminding myself what I was doing at that moment, right now I am brushing my teeth, right now I am updating my resume, right now I am making a call. This helped me stay in the present. Then I was also walking into rooms and forgetting why I was there, which my friends told me might be due to menopause.

For Forgiveness there is a poem by Langston Hughes,

Cross

My old man's a white old man
And my old mother's black.
If ever I cursed my white old man
I take my curses back.
If ever I cursed my black old mother
And wished she were in hell,
I'm sorry for that evil wish
And now I wish her well
My old man died in a fine big house.
My ma died in a shack.
I wonder were I'm going to die,
Being neither white nor black?

I just do not understand what the big deal is with Langston Hughes. Forgiveness is for you, not for the person you are forgiving. Ever been consumed by anger towards someone? You are the one who is consumed, not them, they are probably happily going about their business without a thought about you. If you think about forgiveness as something you need, and you need it in order to live in the present (that persistent enlightenment topic), it is easier to find. I have a meditation book with a great meditation on forgiveness where you imagine who you need to forgive as a dove in a cage, you take them out, tell them you forgive them, and let them fly away. It worked for me, although I still think about my ex-husband dying a slow, miserable death as guilt causes him to rot from the inside out. Okay, so maybe it didn't work 100%.