Kriya

So, the job that was not going to help much did not work out and I am still sitting here puzzled about what it means.

I showed up on Monday and worked for three hours. The guy was really disorganized and kept doing things like handing me something to call someone about, except that he knew I did not have a phone. I made some mistakes, partly because I have not worked in so long and partly because I wasn't sure what was expected and I was a bit nervous and then I could not focus on anything because the guy couldn't focus on anything. I was wondering if I was capable of organizing this guy and then at the end of the three hours he says he is allergic to me.

He has some serious allergy problems and after two hours he was getting a sore throat. When I left at noon, he was going to see how he did during the week, but he called later in the day and said he was getting mouth blisters and this is not going to work. He was very nice about it. I figure it's my cats and I feel weird that it was something that I can't change and I'm honestly embarrassed.

I suited up and showed up and I get myself humble and willing even though it is almost insulting how much little help it is going to be and then it doesn't work out and there is nothing that I really did wrong and nothing that I can really do about it. What is this about? As Dave would say, what is the lesson?

I got in to some more action, some more job applications, I picked up the mats I ordered and worked on framing for a while, and kept painting. I met my friend for coffee and vented. I took a bath and cried about it for a while.

Last night I started the Artist's Way, Week 4. She talks about those morning pages and how we learn through them what we really want and become willing to make the changes needed to get it,

"But not without a tantrum. And not without a kriya, a Sanskrit word meaning a spiritual emergency or surrender."

Hey, yea, I just had one of those tantrums, except I thought it was about getting something I did not want. I'm not sure of her definition of kriya, web definitions are:

Kriya (in Sanskrit "action, deed, effort") most commonly refers to a "completed action", technique or practice within a yoga discipline meant to achieve a specific result. Types of kriya may vary widely between different schools of yoga.
A physical, mental, or emotional movement initiated by the awakened kundalini. Kriyas purify the body and nervous system, thus allowing a seeker to experience higher states of consciousness.
An expiatory rite, a cleaning process.

The author gives some examples of kriya, it's like getting the flu right after you've broken up with a bad boyfriend. "Always significant, frequently psychosomatic, kriyas are the final insult our psyche adds to our injuries, Get it? a kriya asks you."

Having the job that I had to really humble myself to take not work out really felt like my psyche adding insult to my injuries! But what is it I am supposed to get? Anyway, I thought that was weird, too, to read about temper tantrums and kriya just as I was experiencing them. I'm hoping this job exercise in futility is about awakened kundalini or a cleaning process, otherwise, unless the lesson is not about me, I just don't get it.

It is past time for a deep meditation. Tonight I think I will sit in meditation and ask the universe, "what do you want!"