Numbers are Your Friend

The only way I could get close to photograph the hummingbird, even with my 250mm lens, was to shoot through the window. The hummingbirds appear to have what is called a General, he guards the feeder from a nearby tree and buzzes the other birds when they try to use the feeder. He is amazingly loud when he buzzes by your ear, like a swarm of bees. This is him, or he is gone for now. This one spends more time looking around, which he does while shifting his body from side to side, I've never seen them do that, body shifting one way, head shifting the other, than drinking.



Spit is praying she never has to go back in the car, Cruiser is in his usual spot.


A deer family came out during dinner last night, there were 3, then 4, then 7.

Did not care for the last enlightenment topic and again hope this does not affect my chances for enlightenment. Topic is Mind Power, with a poem by Sir Edward Dyer called "My Mind to Me a Kingdom Is." An excerpt:

Content I live, this is my stay;
I seek no more than may suffice;
I press to bear no haughty sway;
Look, what I lack my mind supplies.
Lo, thus I triumph like a king,
Content with that my mind doth bring.

There is much in the poem about letting go of the ego, but the idea of living in my mind sounds really unhealthy, what a nut.

Checked out my expenses, I kept track through March 2010, then I had to increase my W4 deductions which reduced my take home pay by $250 per month and I gave up and decided to move. January 2010 was an efficient month, no extras, and I spent $2946. Rent was $1645. I was still paying my car payment, $300, and student loan, $242. It was a month off from car insurance payment. I had discontinued cable TV. Flexible expenses, like groceries, gas, dry cleaning, cat supplies, coffee, and haircut totaled $469. Groceries were $150. Just try and spend only $150 on groceries, even if it is only for one person, it's hard. Thanks to the Prius, gas was only $70. My only splurge was the haircut, $60. Renter's insurance, utilities, cell phone, and IRS payment was $290. This includes Gas, water, trash determined by the apartment complex, a rip-off at $69 and Internet and land phone at $80, but cell was cheap at $29 (with my government employee discount!)

In January my take home pay was $3014. In April (due to reduced W4 deductions) my take home pay was $2742. I put off the car payment and got a year off on the student loan, but what was left to cut? Phones and Internet? Haircuts? Cats? Coffee? Even this was not going to be enough when the County decided to increase my retirement deduction by $300 per month starting in July. What about when I have to pay the car insurance, or for an oil change, or have a cavity filled?

I put off my student loan payment until February 2011 and I can put off my car payment until I have an income. So, assuming all other expenses are the same, my living expenses paying $750 a month in rent are about $1500/month ($2050 with car payment and student loan.) I have enough savings to last a year on $1500 a month. To break even, and pay car payment and student loan, and assuming my take home pay is 80% of my gross pay, I would need a full time job at $15/hour. I could get a part time job to extend my savings and I can freelance. I am just not worried.

Numbers can be your friend. They can tell you you can no longer afford to live how you are living, that you can no longer afford your house (way before you are unable to make the mortgage payment), that you cannot afford rent in California, and they can reassure you that you have enough to ensure that everything is just going to work out fine.

Aim High

Next enlightenment topic is Hope, with a quote from Michelangelo,

The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it,
but that it is too low and we reach it.

Or as my friend Sharon would say, make your God (of your own understanding) really big. Perfect for today, why do I like the artist's quotes best? The author has been criticized by talk show hosts for giving desperate people who call in to the show too much hope. Is there such a thing, and what is wrong with too much hope?

I searched housing in Boise last night and all day today. I have a pile of printouts from Craigslist with matching maps. Google Maps is terrific, I have been able to see a street view on every one, so I can check out the surrounding neighborhood and the view across the street. How do they do that? Last night I was discouraged, today I feel more optimistic. Michelangelo helped. I am overwhelmed with choices, so am blogging before I start calling to make appointments for next week.

I am glad to be back at Dad's and somewhat of a routine. I am up by 5:30 am and make coffee and paint for a while. Hazel is coming along, but I don't expect to have much time to work on her until I am back from Boise on Friday. I like being able to get up and paint first thing, it is like morning meditation and starts the day off well.

Tomorrow I want to take my camera to the Mid-State Fair and Rodeo Championships, and it's going to be hot in Paso Robles, so I want to go early, which means I have to clean up after myself today in case the home buyer comes on Saturday.

I also need to sit and do an accounting of exactly what I can afford to pay in rent. I have a spreadsheet that I created after I filed for bankruptcy and had to take on of those on-line financial responsibility courses and I kept track of every receipt and what I spent for a year. It was a challenge at first, then it was tedious and depressing, but it made it easy to see exactly what I was spending and on what and what I might be able to cut out. The depressing part is when you have nothing left to cut and are still negative. So, I have the spreadsheet, I just need to put in some new numbers.

How can a somewhat homeless person on vacation have so much to do?

Dad, can I use the phone?

My cold, dark apartment had a balcony that was above ground, so my cats could go out and lay in the sun without being able to run away. On the balcony I had a very large pot with a tall, thin bougainvillea in it and plenty of dirt. When I first moved in, Cruiser would lay in the dirt around the bougainvillea, and I imagined him reliving the good old days when he had a house and plenty of dirt. Then Spit decided to start using the bougainvillea pot as a catbox, I guess Spit had her own ideas about what she missed about dirt. Today, sometimes when I let the cats out for their stroll, both of them just plop down in the dirt and roll around, but otherwise just want to sit there, in the dirt. I missed dirt, too. No one should live without putting their bare feet in the dirt (or on the ground) every day.



When inside Cruiser likes the drafting chair, but Spit often gets scared of something and hides under the covers all day, and then Cruiser hides with her, like they are in this picture. Two of the lumps are Cruiser and Spit.

Tried to call the IRS and at least confirmed that they received my last payment, but otherwise sat on hold for a long time before I gave up. Dad said I should have something to read while being on hold, and I did, the riveting, "The IRS Collection Process, Publication 594." Actually, this told me a great deal, first there is the lien, then there is the levy. Taking my property is a levy, and this takes a lien and lots of steps and form letters and 30 day notices. I learned how to file for a delay and apply for an Offer in Compromise, or settlement for less than what is due. I'm sending my payment for August and otherwise I'm not going to worry about it today.

I need to research housing in Boise and Dad is gone tomorrow, but he is here today hogging the computer. I have my computer, but can't connect it to the Internet, and my cell phone, but can't get reception unless I go to town, so I have to use Dad's computer and land phone. I feel like I am 12 years old, Dad, can I get on the computer? Dad, can I use the phone? Dad, can I use the car? (Oh, wait, I am only 12.)

Reality

Back from LA and every time I go back, I like it even less. Ms. Black SUV did not want to let me on the freeway last night, 3 lanes and she can't pick another one or slow down from 80 MPH.

Had lunch and a pedicure with Mom and had nice relaxed feet when I opened the 2 certified letters I received at Mom's from the IRS. Remember never open bad mail until you can deal with it and never, ever, open bad mail before you leave to go do something you need to concentrate on, and do not open it before you do something fun, either. They say I have not made my payment and defaulted on my payment agreement and they threaten a lien on my assets. I do not normally have any assets, but now I have my retirement money that I am about to deposit in the bank! Does the IRS know I suddenly have money? I bet they do. I tried not to think about the part in The Pursuit of Happyness where the IRS drains Will Smith's account and he is now really homeless. I will call them later.

Took more stuff to the storage unit and signed for storage insurance, since my homeowner's insurance ended last Monday. I edited the stuff I have here at Dad's and made another box to add to storage, since I will never get what I have here in that small car. Bought another box specially for the croquet set and then it did not fit. I have a tournament quality set that I have not used in years, but maybe in Boise I will finally have a croquet yard. Put the set in my car today to disassemble at Dad's, then it will fit in the box! I took an inventory of what is left in Mom's garage and I mostly have it all. She still has several boxes of Lauren's stuff, but I am not moving these.

Great to see my Tuesday night women's coffee friends, as great as my vacation is, it is pretty isolated. The only thing that is helping me feel in touch is this blog. Had breakfast with Lani and am taking some of her words for a mantra next week when I go to Boise to rent a place, "I have a feeling everything is just going to work out."

Everything is just going to work out,
everything is just going to work out...

Showed her some of the places I was looking at and she picked her favorite, which is mine, too. I am going to spend a few days arranging appointments in Boise for next Wednesday, making calls and sending applications, so I hope if I am prepared enough I can go look and get something rented and lease signed and key in one trip. Everything is just going to work out, but I still have to do the footwork.

Listened to the music from The Piano in the car this trip and thought about real and fictional stories where the heroine moves and changes her life. Funny, I could not think of stories with the male version of this theme. In The Piano, the heroine, a pianist who at some point stops speaking because someone stopped listening, leaves England for an arranged marriage in New Zealand, where she meets someone (not the husband) and decides to chose life and speak again. Eat, Pray, Love also appears to be coming out as a movie, and then there is Under the Tuscan Sun. Georgia O'Keefe left New York and Alfred Stieglitz for New Mexico. I should read more about Georgia O'Keefe.

Woman with the 9 million property for sale in Montecito is coming this weekend to take a 2nd look at Dad's. I have a feeling everything is just going to work out.

Balance

This is the 2nd study from last week. I decided not to finish it and treat it like a real study. If I was going to spend the time to finish it, I wanted it to be time on a larger piece.



This is the larger piece of Hazel, work in progress.



This is a large piece and the face is larger than life size. I have not worked this large in a long time and am re-learning how to work this big. Blending and exact detail do not matter so much when working this large, and I had to almost finish the hair in order to finish the blue wash, so it looks weird with large flat wash, blank hands, and almost finished hair. Next is working up the face, since if I screw that up the painting is not worth finishing.

Off to LA today to take Mom out for her birthday, add stuff to storage, and see some friends and am looking forward to a break from animal duty and painting all day. Tomorrow I will have been at my Dad's 4 weeks and it sure does not feel like it. Everyone should take a 4 week vacation. I received the deposit refund from my apartment and went through the apartment paperwork and threw most of it away. I found the rent amounts they provided if I wanted to renew my lease and to stay there another 2 months to get ready to move to Boise would have cost me $1905 per month! (Renewing my lease for a year would have cost me $1700 a month.) So, I am not only on a free vacation, but I saved $3810.

I sent the signed order confirmation to the mover and now I am committed.

Next enlightenment topic is Grief is a Blessing, with a poem by Jalaluddin Rumi,

I saw grief drinking a cup
of sorrow and called out,
"It tastes sweet, does it not?"
"You've caught me," grief answered,
"and you've ruined my business.
How can I sell sorrow,
when you know it's a blessing.?"

Rumi was a Persian mystical poet and so far I am not liking the middle easterners. When I know that there is some blessing in grief, I disrupt the relationship between grief and sorrow, and can rise above anguish and guilt? Does this help?

I like the next one better and it is most appropriate to me and my adventure, topic is Balance with a piece by Leonardo Da Vinci,

Every now and then go away,
have a little relaxation,
for when you come back
to your work your judgment will be surer;
since to remain constantly at work
will cause you to lose power
of judgement...

Go some distance away
because then the work appears smaller
and more of it
can be taken in at a glance,
and a lack of harmony
or proportion
is more readily seen.

This works when looking at your life or a large painting. My life lacked harmony and proportion, today I am stepping back and having a little relaxation.

Animal Management

Dad was gone for the second day Thursday and I thought I would get a lot done. Instead it was a day of animal management and frustration. Dog out, dog in, feed dog, dog out, dog in, cats out, dog is barking in the house, go investigate, probably the coyote we saw this morning going back, better go back to the cats, cats in, dog out again for the day. Then I wrote on my blog and started laundry and filled the bathtub so I could stretch some watercolor paper and the water was brown. Looked like dirt. Guest bath toilet water was brown, too. Well problem? I'll leave it for Dad. Tried the oversize sink in the studio and that water was clean, put the paper in that, try to paint, but Cruiser is whining, whining, whining. Finally put the dog in and went out for coffee. Met some nice women and felt better.



Finished 2 more studies Friday and was glad to have Dad back home. Finished a drawing for a larger painting and transferred it to paper today, but will start the painting tomorrow. Today I'm feeling PMS. Tomorrow is a full moon. The mover sent a revised quote, minus the queen bed and plus some tools, and including my move pick up date, August 17/18. I guess they need a 2 day range and will let me know which day closer to the move date. I have some paperwork to sign and send back and this is making me feel committed and doubtful. I went out for coffee and started thinking about the beginning of a children's book, The Adventures of Cruiser and Spit, that would be modeled after this blog and started to cry. It must be PMS. Went home and gave the dog an overdue bath.

The next enlightenment topic is the Now, with a poem by Omar Khayyam,

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.

This did not speak to me, the past is done, you can't change it. I liked what Darcy sent me better,

The real art of living is beginning where you are. Martin Vanbee

Then Prayer, with a prayer by St. Francis of Assisi,

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal light.

The above text is from the book, Internet versions are different, omitting O Divine Master and changing light to life. (Which is right? I am annoyed by this.) This is obviously a good topic for me today and I am not going to expand on St. Francis, but I think he would have appreciated my work with animals this week and clean, almost dry, no longer itchy Sophie laying on the couch with a blanket, so she doesn't get a chill.

Dad

Finished 2 more studies and on to 2 more today. Dad has been monopolizing the computer and the phone, but is gone for 2 days playing golf and I am trying to take advantage of it.



When Dave and I were here a few months ago to help Dad get the ranch ready to sell, we were amazed at how Dad worked like a machine. We were exhausted by 3 pm and Dad was on his 5th hour of non-stop weed whacking around the edge of the houses with a gas powered weed whacker. Dad is 72, and is finally starting to look his age, although when we go to dinner I still feel like telling people I am the daughter, not the date, but he works on his ranch like a teenager. Last week he got a warning that his email box was full and spent two days deleting emails, watching golf, and taking naps, so I guess he does know how to relax, too.

Dad is captain of his golf team and President of the Moro Bay Golf Club. He was talking to me about golf, which is like talking to me about astrophysics, and mid-sentence said you are probably not interested, and I said I was glad he was keeping busy. Busy! he said, I keep really busy taking care of this ranch! I said I thought he was up here isolated on his ranch spending too much time arguing with his socialist neighbors and getting loopy and I was glad to see that was not true.




(I took these at the golf club when Dad was practicing, then I walked off to take some more of some birds I heard over the ridge, until I thought I heard someone on the green say, "if you are going to walk across the fairway, you can at least be quick about it!" I forgot I was not in a park, damn! I was so embarrassed I ran off the fairway and back to the clubhouse and sat there until Dad was done.)

When I called on my road trip and told Dad I was stopping by on my way home, he said when I was there I could explain what this is all about! I imagine he thought I was turning into a right wing extremist and headed for living in the woods of Idaho with too many guns and he would soon see me on the news with my home surrounded by the FBI. Dad is pretty realistic and I was glad to share with him my reasoning and receive some support. Dad has never had a job that he hated and could not quit in his life, so there is some of my experience that he cannot understand, but he did talk about someone he knew that did something similar and was very successful (went to cooking school and became a successful chef with her own restaurant at 50.) Dad has also been pretty successful as an artist, with one job transitioning into another with rare breaks, but today he has a studio of paintings that did not sell.

Dad says I once told him that I found it difficult to find something I wanted to paint, which seems hard to believe now. Maybe today it is just the act of painting that matters, rather than some important subject, which leads me to the next enlightenment topic, enlightenment. This topic includes a Zen proverb,

Before enlightenment
chopping wood
carrying water.

After enlightenment
chopping wood
carrying water.

I find Zen useful and true, but difficult to grasp for more than a moment. (My favorite of my Zen books is Nothing Special: Living Zen, which is a collection of dharma talks led by Charlotte Joko Beck, which seems to make Zen more accessible to the westerner.) Enlightenment cannot be attained, it is a realization. Once you reach this realization, the world has not changed, you just see it with new eyes. Enlightenment is a change in attitude, about chopping wood, carrying water, or painting.

Why Boise? The Spiritual Side

Retirement check is here! Now I can plan! Now this crazy idea can become a reality! Now I'm wondering what in the world I was thinking again.

I took the cats to the vet last Monday to get their shots. (Thanks for the reminder, Darcy!) Their shots were well out of date, this is something you cut out when you are poor, and now that they are going outside in the country they should have up to date shots. Although the vet was really fast, so fast I almost wondered if they gave them shots since they took them away to do it and I did not see it happen, this includes a 25 minute car ride to town one way. I put the cats in their carriers and did the drive with crying cats and tried not to think about the 16 hour drive to Boise.

At the same time, someone came to look to buy Dad's ranch. I had to clean up, take the cats to the vet, bring them back and clean them up, and then get out for an hour and a half. This made me miss my own space. The looker appears to be pretty interested, but has to sell their house on the market for 9 million. I guess my Dad's for 2.4 million is a pittance to some.

So, there is a spiritual side to choosing Boise to live.

I felt a great deal of anxiety at the beginning of the year. I could not relate it to something that happened or that I anticipated would happen and it lasted for months. The only thing I could think of was that, in response to me whining about my noisy upstairs neighbor, my friend told me I always have problems with a neighbor, which is mostly true, and I wondered why this always happens with me. I even went to the doctor, to rule out any physical reason for the anxiety, and nothing was wrong.

Then my brother Dave gave me a 1/2 hour with a psychic for my birthday in March and I asked her about the anxiety I was feeling. Now, I don't know about psychics, but I figured it would be fun and worth a try, but I was expecting a "you will move to Boise and get married" kind of an answer, and instead the psychic said I have a "split." A soul split in two, one side with each parent, that happened due to some trauma when I was around 5, and she gave me all these things to do to make my soul whole again. She did not say why the split was suddenly getting so difficult for me.

There was much to this idea that made sense to me, so I followed one of her suggestions and I did a soul retrieval with an aspiring Shaman at my Dad's ranch in April. This was a bit trippy and I have never heard such a racket from birds chirping and squawking in my life and as soon as the drum or the chanting stopped, complete silence. So, I did not see Boise, but I met a noble woman from the middle ages with a falcon and I met the falcon, which was white with some gray.

I went on my road trip to Boise based on my practical reasons, but when there I went to the Bird of Prey museum, which is great fun and includes an entrance full of artwork of birds of prey, and there is a book on falcons, with the one I met on the cover. It was a Gyrfalcon. In medieval times, the white phase variant of the Gyrfalcon was reserved for the king with the most clout and in North America, falcons are seen as messengers between humans and the spirit world. As totems, the falcon means strength, independence, superiority, and fortunate hunting. I figured at least the soul retrieval must have worked. The Gyrfalcon is not native to Idaho, but I felt like I was in the right place.

Now, when is a phone call a sign, and when is it just a phone call? Is it a sign, or just what you want to see? I had been painting in all my spare time, being my spiritual self mostly at home in private, and in the rest of my life my soul was dying. Maybe the anxiety is my soul fighting to live. As soon as I acknowledged this, the anxiety went away. I came back from my road trip to Boise positive that I needed to leave California, and Boise would work. Not until I had a chance to step back from my old life in this perfect, artistically inspiring environment, could I see what I am meant to do, my inspiration, and I feel whole.

Not for the Squeamish

Today is my Mom's birthday, Happy Birthday, Mom!

Started two studies this morning and they were both drying, so I tackled Dad's pantry. Dad is at golf. Dad has a big walk-in pantry with shelves on 3 sides. I figured there was as much expired stuff in there as in the refrigerator and there was too much stuff on the floor. I once cleaned my clogged sink, I did this often in my house, but I had a party the night before and it had been clogged overnight. When I opened up the drain, the most terrible smelling goo came out and I almost vomited. Cleaning Dad's pantry was worse.

Before the feral cat, Dad had a mouse problem. The backs of the shelves were full of droppings, and the top shelf corners also had nests made of peanut shells. I found the tube part of a hummingbird feeder upside down, and in the bottom was some old seeds and a dead mouse. I put the tube outside as a surprise for Dad. When I finished I took a long shower and was grateful the peanuts are long gone and I did not eat any. Country living is not for the squeamish.

Dad wanted to go out over the weekend, I guess even in retirement he still thinks there should be weekend activities, so we went to dinner Saturday night, and to a movie and dinner, with Dad practicing golf in between, on Sunday. I suppose it is healthy for me to get out a bit, but I am not used to eating out and I ate too much and do not bother to see MicMacs, it was weirder and not at all as charming as Amelie. (Amelie is one of my favorite films.)

All this activity put me, in my mind, behind on my painting. I spent all day Monday on the drawing for Mark and Hazel, but I did most of the drawing on the watercolor paper, which I do not usually do. Watercolors mostly do what they want and if you screw one up, you have to scrap it and start over. The more you labor to save a screwed up watercolor, the worse it gets. So, I usually do a drawing and transfer it to watercolor paper, so if I have to start over, I still have the drawing to reuse. I think I was trying to save time, and tracing paper, by doing the drawing directly and now I'm sorry. The reference is poor, and although the drawing is pretty good, the painting will be easy to screw up and now I have so much invested on the paper that it has become too precious and I hesitate to start. So, I went back to studies for today.

Why Boise? The Practical Side

Living in the present, being in the now, is a whole lot easier when the now is really great. I always struggle with living in the now, I tend to live in the future, but today my problem is getting myself to plan. This leads me to the next enlightenment topic, Divinity, and two quotes from Epictetus, the second is:

Men are disturbed not by things
that happen,
but by their opinions of the things
that happen.

Epictetus was a Greek Stoic philosopher and former slave. I like the Stoics and was introduced to them in Tom Wolfe's fiction book, A Man in Full, and in some ways this book has influenced my adventure. So, it is not my inability to plan that is the problem, it is my opinion about it (or, I would add, my ideas of what my father's opinion might be about it.)

I did reschedule my flight to Boise for August 3rd to 5th, because I thought it should be closer to when I expect my retirement money. In my research on housing available there seems to be many good choices available in August and my focus for the trip is on finding housing. I would like to be in Boise before Labor Day and there is a big art fair Labor Day weekend.

There are many reasons I chose Boise and I started with the practical ones. If I could chose where I wanted to live, rather than going where the job or the family is, where would I want to live? What do I want in a home? I have the luxury today of being able to chose where ever I want to go. I am from Southern California, so I have to kind of discount the weather, because no place is going to have weather that can beat Southern California. I want to stay in the West and I want to live in a red (conservative) state. I thought it would be good to live in a capital, so if I needed to use my Master's Degree for a job, I could. At work, Jocelyn said, what are the other choices besides Boise? So we looked at a map on Google Maps. (Hey Jocelyn, you know those tooth picks we were talking about, the wood ones with the mint taste? I found some in my Dad's stuff, they are called Stim-U-Dent, but Dad's have lost their mint.)

How well do you know your state capitals? Jocelyn knew her's better than me. So, Austin, Texas is conservative, but Austin is not, and it is too humid! I figured I could travel Texas for a year and still not be able to chose a place to live, Texas is too big! Phoenix is too hot. Santa Fe is beautiful, and I like the Southwest, but there are either rich or poor in Santa Fe and I am afraid that the art community is too cliquish. I already tried Nevada, Utah is beautiful, but without being Mormon I would have a hard time finding community. Oregon and Washington are too blue, and so is Colorado, really, and I do not want to live a mile high. I want to live in a smaller town, but when we were looking at the map, we had to zoom in on Montana and Wyoming to find a city that made it on the map, this is too small. On a list of US states by population, Wyoming is 50th (Montana is 44th.) California is 1st, so going from biggest to smallest is too dramatic of a jump. Idaho is 39th. East of these states, we are no longer in the West, although this was the only reason I discounted Iowa.

So I want to live in a smaller town, I want some city with something to do and some culture, and I want conservative government. I want to live on a good size piece of land with some quiet and where I can grow things, so I need a place with enough of it's own water. (That leaves out Arizona, Utah, and Nevada.) I want to live somewhere beautiful, as in artistically inspiring, and I want cheaper land and rent.

Boise is the capital of Idaho. When most people think of Idaho, they think of Coeur d'Alene, which is much farther north, less populated, more mountainous, and more snowy. Idaho actually has a wide variety of terrain, from mountains to high desert, is renowned for being beautiful, and full of lakes and rivers. Boise is in southern Idaho, on the edge of where mountains meet high desert, and the Boise River runs through downtown. South of Boise Idaho is very flat. Downtown Boise is at 2700 feet above sea level with a population of around 200,000. Summers are hot and dry, with an average temperature in the upper 80's and a few days a year at 100. January average is 30 degrees and average snowfall is 20" (rarely even 3" at a time.) It has 4 seasons. The unemployment rate is 9%, ranked 28th lowest of the states. In or around Boise, I can rent a 1000 square foot duplex with a yard for $700 a month. It has an art museum, a historical society, and a renown Shakespeare Festival. In less than 7 hours, I can be in Spokane, Washington or Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, or Yellowstone National Park. The LA types should stay in Sun Valley, which is 3 hours away, so I can sell art to them without having to live with them. Idaho is also safe, and full of retired police and military. My friend described Idaho as an entire state like Simi Valley. Finally, Idaho is one of the most fiscally sound states in the US.

The only drawback I could see is that winter is cold, although not that snowy in Boise, it is a pretty far move, 840 miles or 15 hours from Simi Valley, and my Tuesday Night Women's coffee is not there.

Raccoon?

This is my temporary home, Dad's studio. Cruiser has taken up sleeping on the drafting chair and Spit on the bed. If Sophie is around, Spit sleeps under the covers, and sometimes Cruiser, too, two lumps under the quilt. I've been leaving the outside light on for Spit (and so I can see lurking animals), it attracts bugs and Spit spends the whole night looking out the window at them and whatever else she can see that I can't. We listened to a loud animal fight through the window above the bed the other night, I could not identify the animals (the outside light is on the opposite side of the building and all I could see was darkness) except one animal sounded like a large screeching bird. It sounded right outside the window, but considering how empty it is out here, it could have been far away. The next day we could not find any evidence of a fight, except a bloody paw print in front of the feral cat's food bowl that looked like a raccoon print. Dad was worried about the feral cat, until he emerged from the garage at his usual time that evening without a scratch on him. Now we have a raccoon, in addition to the coyote and the bobcat.


I finished this study of Hazel and it was one of those paintings that starts to look good and I was excited about right away. Today I'm starting a larger painting of Mark and Hazel, next is a larger painting of this one.

The next Wisdom of the Ages topic is from Jesus and fits my painting, Being Childlike,

Except ye be converted and become as little children,
ye shall not enter into the Kingdom of Heaven.

There is a purity and joy in children that we loose as adults. When I paint that in children, I get some of it back in myself.

I explained one of my ideas for creating a market for my paintings of children and Dad asked me why the painting would be better than a photograph. Dad knows perfectly well why it's better and is playing part Devil's Advocate and part telling me this is something I need to be able to articulate, but really, how do you articulate this? The painting has an emotional quality that the photo does not, and I do not know why, although here I have to give deference to my brother John, the photographer, who can take a photo with the same qualities as a painting, but he is a professional.

Dad is making Sunday breakfast, more later.

Painting

Well, as soon as I mentioned it, it decided to be July. It's hot here and the mosquitoes are out. I now have mosquito bites mixed with the spider bites and am covered with tea tree oil. Mosquitoes did not used to like me, but they do now. I got up and did my hair this morning and plucked my eyebrows so Dad could take my picture, but am feeling grateful for Kathleen and my low maintenance haircut. My hair looks great even when I first wake up in the morning and without a blow dry and is a perfect county girl haircut, although I draw the line with eyebrows, even country girls should have two, and no fuzzy legs.

So much for my schedule, the only things on schedule so far are meal times, wake up and go to sleep and nap time, and the cats' supervised strolls. Cats are scheduled to go to the vet for shots Monday, which I should have taken care of before I left LA, since it is now a 20 minute cat car ride each way and I am not looking forward to it.

We have not seen another snake, but I have taken to carrying a stick with me on my cat strolls. I also checked for spiders I should know and learned about the Brown Recluse, which I was happy to see does not live in Idaho or much of California, but you just can't get away from the Black Widow, they are everywhere.







Finished the above 3 studies when I returned from my road trip and the last 2 here. I thought I would try landscapes, something small and fast, and broaden my market. I do not care for the orchids much, funny I've carried around this reference to paint for years and now I don't like it. I'm hoping that I am not going to be happy with 1 out of every 2 paintings, but studies are supposed to be to work things out before starting a larger painting, and also for finding out if it is worth a larger painting, so I should not be preoccupied with the study as an end product. I like the landscapes, but the most recent one is the best one. I'm not sure if that is environment or practice.

Today's topic from Wisdom of the Ages is Triumph, with "The Six Mistakes of Man" by Cicero. Sounds pretty much like accepting the things you cannot change, including your neighbor, and not that interesting. Cicero's enlightenment earned him the chance to be executed and his head and hands displayed at the Forum, so I'm skipping Cicero.

A Pause in a Struggle

This is Dad's dog Sophie. Dad got her from the animal shelter and she appears to be mostly Ebizan hound. She runs like a gazelle and rarely barks. She and the cats had a face off through the studio door, three tails puffed up three times their size, cats laying flat to the floor and Sophie's head down, but no growling or hissing. Today Cruiser wants to go out, even though he can see Sophie right outside the door. All three want to spend their day laying in the dirt and sun, but I'm not ready to see if they can do this together. Sophie picks up chunks of sap in the yard that get in her hair and had two big dark pieces stuck on her face that looked like scars and made her look like she'd been in a bar brawl, so over the weekend I got them out with butter and a comb. This takes a bit of work, but Sophie got to lick the leftover butter off of my hands and is now my best friend.

My friend, another artist, used to say about doing other things before starting an art project, "I'm not procrastinating, I'm mentally preparing myself." So today, I have two drawings on the watercolor paper and a set of reference out for studies that do not need a drawing, and I cleaned under the sink. The cleaning is a combination of wanting to feel like I'm earning my keep, my inability to tolerate mess, and mental preparation. Putting that first paint to blank white paper is always a struggle. Once I get started, procrastination is not an issue, but today starting will now be after my lunch and a nap.



Being at my Dad's feels like a pause in a struggle. Life has been so hard for the last few years and nothing I tried seemed to work out. How do you get over feeling failure and devastating loss? How do you move on? Everyone says move on, but a year after selling my house I wasn't feeling it, I still felt sad and angry. I found a picture of a tree at my house a few months ago, a tree that I used to call the tree that God planted because I thought it was a weed and tried to pull it out a few times, but it kept coming back so I finally gave up and let it grow and by the time I left that tree was 10 feet tall, but the picture made me cry. At Dad's I finally feel some recovery, like I'm building strength in reserve.

Spiders

This is a picture of Dad's ranch in the morning facing east. The building on the right is my temporary home, the studio. The one on the left is the garage with the guest house above. In the middle, and set down from the road, is the main house. My cats are in the studio and I mostly sleep there, all my clothes and bathroom stuff and a much more comfortable bed are in the guest house, and the only kitchen is in the main house. I brought a coffee maker for the studio, to save me one trip back and forth in the morning, but so far I haven't been using it.



Yesterday I cleaned cobwebs and spiders and cleaned the big front windows in the studio. Dad has one of those brush things on a pole, which was easy to use in the guest house, but in the studio I also had to use a ladder. One thing to remember, when on a ladder, do not swipe at the spiders on the ceiling directly above you. They might come spinning down directly onto your head and you will forget everything you learned about ladder safety. Also, when you knock down 7 spiders, and only find 2 to squish, that means there are 5 roaming around free. I did not fall, but today I have several spider bites.

I stretched some more watercolor paper and am missing my own set up. Dad has a lifetime supply of art supplies, but a crappy utility knife, actually three knives where the blade doesn't fit well, and I could not find the cutting mat. Beggars can't be choosers.



We went to dinner at a neighbor's house last night that I have been trying to avoid. Their house is a modern concrete and steel thing with absolutely the worst feng shui you can imagine. There was an earthquake up here a few years ago that sent a crack through the neighbor's property, and their almost finished house, as if the planet was trying to say, please do not build this here! But they finished it anyway, and even added a pool. When moving from the city to the country, what is the point of bringing the city with you? Good dinner, though, and I did not have to cook it.

Yesterday early morning we had thunder and it looked like monsoon season, which isn't supposed to start until August, and last night we watched the fog roll in over the hills as if June gloom had not ended. When you are unemployed it is hard to remember what day it is, but isn't it July?

The Snake

Finished another study of my brother Mark and his daughter, Hazel:



I was really happy with this one, but I am not sure my reference is good enough to do a painting. It was fun to paint with Mark smirking at me the whole time. This is a typical expression for Mark.

Finished the study and let my cats out for an evening stroll and saw a snake. The snake had it's head down a ground squirrel hole, so I didn't know how big it was or if it was alive. I don't think it had a rattle, but I wasn't going to look too close. I can deal with coyotes, bobcats, spiders, and mice, but I draw the line at snakes. I'm scared of snakes. So, I get the cats inside, no cat dinner for you, Mr. Snake. Then I try to throw rocks at the snake from a safe distance to see if it is alive, or make it go away, or make it's tail rattle, but I am a really terrible shot, I can shoot a soccer ball into a goal with either foot, but I cannot throw a rock within 2 feet of a snake while only standing 10 feet away. Why didn't I have Dad show me how to use his rifle before he left? So later I check and the snake half has moved, so it is alive, and then later I check and it is gone.

It's getting dark, and Dad is out, so I make dinner and watch "The Road," because Dad did not want to watch it again. By the time the movie is over it's really dark, it's a new moon, and I have to walk from the main house to the studio, so I turn on all the outdoor lights and that's not enough, so I get a flashlight to light up any snakes in my way. What I end up lighting up is a bobcat racing from the door of the studio across the yard and down the driveway. She stops and looks back at me and I light her furry bobcat ears up with the flashlight and then she's gone. I don't think the bobcat is interested in my cats, but has acquired a taste for cat food because she's been eating the ferile cat's food in the garage.

Then I try to sleep. Why did I watch that movie! I went to sleep thinking about snakes and Armageddon and wondering at how many stars I can see in the sky out here on a moonless night.

Today I am attacking cobwebs and spiders, I am not afraid of spiders, so I can get some of my power back.

Where does the day go?

Dad and I are eating three square meals a day and I am still so hungry by 5 pm that I have to join Dad in his cheese and crackers pre-dinner snack. Must be all that fresh air. Either Dad cooks even though he's single, or there is something about cooking for more than one that is more motivating. Sometimes he even makes Bruschetta, I mean he cuts up fresh basil, drizzles olive oil and everything. We went on one long walk, but really the only exercise I'm getting is walking back and forth between the three buildings. (And I do a whole lot of this, usually looking for my glasses.) Even so, I am losing weight. Maybe it's that Dad has no treats and his idea of dessert is now a spoon full of peanut butter with honey on it. I cleaned out the refrigerator this morning, the oldest expiration date I found was 1989.

A few days ago I started cleaning out Dad's studio and made a trash bag of old advertising reference. Dad went to the dump yesterday and before he did he checked the bag and one of his old wrestling pictures (Dad was a wrestler in High School) was in it, so then he had to go through the whole bag. Now I've lost some of my credibility as an editor. I don't really blame him, I found some old Champion Papers promotional pieces from the 60's with classic graphic design among the advertising reference and I could not throw them away either.

I received Cobra information to continue my health insurance, only $646.17 per month! What a joke. When I received my last check from work, it included vacation payout which raised the taxes, the government took almost 1/3! Another joke.

Finished this large painting that was almost done (you may have seen the smaller one, which Mark, the father of the subject, now has) and I brought with me:



And this study (5" x 7") of his brother:



I was not that happy with the study, so I moved on to another one. I am now concentrating on studies or 5" x 7"s.

Where does the day go? I have been here more than a week. Although Boise is still the destination, I am wondering if that is the point of the adventure. I am, for now, really enjoying getting to know my Dad, and remembering two versions of the same direction from two friends, stay open.

Chores in LA

I met a woman at the 4th of July party who's daughter recently moved to Oregon. She said her daughter and her husband found out that they could not make things happen, like get a job, until they actually moved there. This reinforced the impression I was already getting, so the focus is now on housing in Boise. So I called a management company on Tuesday that posted some things I liked on craigslist and asked a bunch of questions. The management company did not seem concerned that I did not have a job. Is renter's protection less there, allowing landlords to be more flexible? The consequences of renter's protections in CA has made it harder to rent a place because the landlord can't get you out when you don't pay. Craigslist is great, I have been able to research rents for two months without even picking up the phone. Then I made a reservation to fly out to Boise for two days in two weeks to look at housing and rent a place. I cannot reserve anything more than two weeks in advance, so there is no point in getting there sooner.

Then drove back and forth to LA yesterday to get money and run errands. I stopped at the retirement plan office and signed paperwork to cash out my retirement. (Thank you to Jessica for her advice to just go in the office and not wait for forms in the mail.) I was disconcerted when I asked when I should be concerned if I had not received my check and the rep was vague and then said to call in a month. A month! That gets me into August and is later than I planned. I can't pay the mover or both a deposit and August rent until I have that money. Got the rest of my stuff and my mail from Mom's, deposited by last paycheck in the bank, picked up the dry cleaning, visited with Lani, checked the storage unit, and bought a digital camera. I missed my Tuesday night women's coffee night and visiting with Lani will tide me over.

This is my first digital camera and I really hesitated to spend the money right now, but I need it for my planned new business to shoot reference, and for my blog. I thought about all the money I saved having not bought one before, how John, my photographer brother, recommended this one 1 1/2 years ago (I've waited a long time!) and also found a deal on a refurbished one for me.

So, today's project is to learn how to use the new camera and see if I can determine a better time frame for getting to Boise and if I should postpone my flight a week or two.

When I got home last night in the dark, the coyote ran out of the yard, through the front gate and across the road through my headlights. This is now three days in a row of the coyote in the yard, which Dad has never seen. Coyotes can be symbolic for me, I have had one run alongside my car twice and one across my path on a hike, and all of the times big changes for me followed, so the coyote is making me wonder. His appearance would be different this time, though, because big changes have already started. Or it may be that he's getting into the ferile cat's food in the garage, since to Dad it looks like another animal besides the cat is getting into it.

Right now there appear to be tourists parked on the one lane road in front of Dad's. I think I will go chase them off.

Unemployed

The coyote came back yesterday in the early evening and boldly came close to the house. It seemed to be looking in all of the old ground squirrel holes and not finding anything, because between Dad and Sophie there are not many left. Sophie caught two during our dinner, and these were not at all dead when she found them. I am glad Dad is here to take care of them this time. Spit spent the entire day under the covers after her not all close encounter with the coyote and I was concerned about her ability to adjust to country life, except that as soon as it was time for her evening stroll she was outside in a minute.

I did not get on my schedule yesterday and I am not sure what I did with the day, which made me finally realize I am unemployed. Not just unemployed, but unemployed and ineligible to unemployment. In 2003 I took a job that turned out not to be what was promised, complained about it, and then was harassed for a year as the owner tried to get me to quit. I hung on until I was fired so I could collect unemployment, and because I was righteous and stubborn. I am not sure it was worth it. By the end of the year of harassment, I was so demoralized that I could not pick myself up and get another job or pick another career and instead stayed focused on my anger at the old job. To quit my last job because I am inspired to do something else feels much better, but I may have to stop reading the unemployment news, which is especially bad today.

Today I am more on track and have already transferred the drawings for two small paintings to watercolor paper. One thing to remember, do not smash bugs on the nice clean white stretched paper. I also started cleaning out cabinets in Dad's studio, with permission. I don't know how Dad will ever pack and move this stuff. (There is that wreckage of the future again.) One downside of having a large property with lots of storage is that you never have to throw anything away.

My life in the cold apartment and in the County job seems light years ago already and I have stopped clenching my teeth in my sleep.

Topic #5 is Inspiration by Patanjali,

“When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great, and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.”

This is such a great topic that I think I will stay with it for a few days and add a few more days to achieving enlightenment. The author of the book calls this being "on purpose in life," it is also called flow, or peak experience. For the artist, this state is well known, although sometimes brief, because it is achieved while creating. When I sold my house, which my realtor corrects me was a Short Sale, not a Short pay, I realized I had not painted anything during the entire 6 years I was there. I don't know why, maybe I was too preoccupied with paying the mortgage, maybe I did not see the point. So after I moved out, I started painting again in all of my spare time, which was by then a lot of time, since I could no longer shop or do home improvement. While I worked sometimes I would have arguments with God, where God would remind me he gave me a talent that I should not waste, and I would ask God why he has not allowed me to make a living at it then, and God would tell me just to paint for now and he would take care of the rest. Maybe it took faith I did not have before to just paint for now. There is also for me something about being in that state of purpose that makes it intolerable to walk around in regular life doing purposeless things surrounded by mindless people.

The author of the book reassures me that when I am in a centered state of purpose, what I need will show up. I think for me I will also recognize what I always had and did not notice, because that is already happening.

4th of July

Happy 4th of July to all. Dad and I went to a party given by one of the nearby ranchers with a little beach house in Cayucos. The host told a story about one of his kids who came home for a month and stayed a year, but Dad didn't look too worried. I found myself unable to answer another one of those simple conversational questions simply, which is, where do you live? One of the guests, another rancher, had a bumper sticker that said, "Got a job yet? Keep buying foreign." His wife talked about how to most effectively shoot ground squirrels and how hard it is now to get ammo. These are my people.

Yesterday I made myself a schedule, it is important when you are unemployed to put yourself on a schedule. I can really kill a day doing not very much. Last time I was unemployed I saw a psychologist as part of a lawsuit who told me to make myself a schedule and stop drinking alcohol, so I stopped seeing her. This time I'm already not drinking, so I get to do things differently. It is important to put the things you do not want to do, or you think will be hard, on the schedule during your best part of the day. Give this a limited time frame and when the time frame is over, you are done with that chore for the day and avoid beating yourself up all day about what you should be doing but are putting off. Yesterday I finished a painting I brought to Dad's that I decided wasn't done, but could not finish before I left. Cruiser took over the drafting chair, but I have to stand to paint in Dad's set-up anyway.

Topic #3 to enlightenment is Leadership with a quote from Lao-Tzu, the author of the Tao Te Ching, about acting simply and true leaders. I'm not going to try to expand on the Tao Te Ching, but appreciate the author of the book's reference to artists leading the Renaissance and I hope I am leading by example.

True leaders
are hardly known to their followers.
Next after them are the leaders
the people know and admire;
after them, those they fear;
after them, those they despise.

To give no trust
is to get no trust.

When the work’s done right,
with no fuss or boasting,
ordinary people say,
Oh, we did it.

I wish I did not pack my Tao Te Ching, but brought it with me.

Topic #5 is Patience with a phrase by Confucius, “Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished.” Patience is not my strong point, and I suppose my adventure (or great affair) will take some patience. My lack of patience is why I prefer watercolors, they require some thorough preparation sometimes, but they are quick and it does not take long for me to be able to stand back and be pleased at my progress, although I suppose I always work mindfully. So in my watercolor example, working quickly is true to the nature of watercolors and not the same as not being thorough. So, like I said, I have trouble with this topic.

Coyote made a round around the ranch this early morning. Cats must have known because they went under the covers, no cat breakfast for Mr. Coyote.

Today's job is to set up my computer. This is a job I hate, so scheduled for this morning. Dad is golfing tomorrow. Wednesday I am back and forth to Mom's to get my last paycheck and put it in the bank, sign paperwork to cash out my pension, and pick up the dry cleaning I forgot.

Exaustion

Let the cats out yesterday morning for their first outdoor visit in 2 years. They are indoor/outdoor cats and went outside at their leisure when I had a house. Cruiser used to sit on the edge of the front yard planter like a guard cat and watch the world go by. They are really attached to me and will not go far without me in sight, do not roam, and are the only cats I've ever had that come when I call their name. They were ferile and 6 weeks old when my daughter convinced me to take them and tame them, there were 4 kittens and I kept two and the other two went together to another family. Spit was the runt, and therefore the most afraid, and a spitter for the first two days until she was tamed, thus the name. Those kittens helped me through the very darkest part of my life. After 2 years of looking out the window or at best a balcony, Cruiser rolled in the dirt and Spit ate grass and Cruiser's tail actually did it's cat version of wagging. I felt so happy I cried.

It was not until I went into Paso Robles to buy cat supplies in the mid-afternoon that I realized how exhausted I am from my move. It is 15 degrees hotter there than at my Dad's and it was so hot that I felt sick and dizzy and went home. I called the long distance mover and reviewed his quote and then decided to give myself the holiday weekend off and relax. I went to the farmer's market in Paso this morning, at 9 am when it was still cool, enjoyed the classic cars which are always all over Paso on a holiday weekend, and bought some berries and another birthday present for Mom.

My friend Colleen gave me a book before I left and I am amazed how appropriate it is for my adventure. It is Wisdom of the Ages by Wayne W. Dyer, 60 Days to Enlightenment, 60 writings by great thinkers and meant to be read one per day. In 60 days I am enlightened, I started Thursday.

1st topic was Meditation. This is the only day with two quotes, one is by Blaise Pascal:
"All man's miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone."
I would not be capable of being at my Dad's by myself without being capable of being in a room alone, so I am off to a good start! It does not hurt that I was forced to give up shopping two years ago and be self-supporting by my own contributions or that I gave up TV to save money at the beginning of the year. I did not realize how I used these distractions until they were gone, but it takes courage and practice to turn off the chatter.

2nd topic is Knowing with a writing by Buddha about discarding false beliefs, or beliefs based on the teaching of others, and the experience of knowing, that starts, "Do not believe what you have heard." This strikes me that what I am doing today is discarding beliefs based on others and going to experience what is best for myself. I have never been able to conform much, I try but I cannot do it for very long, but to most people I must sound crazy today. Do you have a job there? No. Friends there? No. Family? Everyone in my family lives in California. Ever lived in snow? No. I also know that going on my adventure is exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now and I don't know where that knowing comes from, but I have no doubts.

Now I am going to either watch the World Cup or take a nap.

Intro to Country Living

Dad lives on 120 acres halfway between Paso Robles and Cambria. If I told you 80 acres and Santa Rosa, I was mistaken, but 80 or 120, it is still big, and the road is Santa Rosa Road. It is for sale, if you want to see how beautiful it is, here's the link:

http://www.santarosacreek.com/gallery

The property has 4 buildings, the main house, a guest house over the garage, an art studio and shop, and a barn that houses the water tank. I set my cats up in the studio, since that is where I plan on spending most of my time and it has a futon bed, and my clothes and stuff in the guest house. It should be pretty easy for Dad and I to remain the bachelors we are used to being. Dad also has a dog, Sophie, who has the run of the main house, and a ferile cat, that goes in and out of the garage. Dad and I had a chance to visit when I got here and then he left for a two day golf trip, giving me a great opportunity to recover from a week of packing and moving and not enough sleep.

Spit immediately covered herself in cobwebs while trying to hide in the studio, so yesterday I cleaned. Dad's studio is full of his art, has a drafting table I dream about, and more art supplies than anyone could use in a lifetime. It was also full of cobwebs, spiders, and mouse droppings. I popped one mousetrap, before the cat could get to it, and I don't think Dad thought he had a mouse problem in the studio, but I found a great deal of evidence to the contrary. Just the presence of my cats should take care of mice, but living in the country requires tolerance of spiders. When cleaning in the country, wear shoes. I squished many, many spiders of all sizes while I was cleaning. I did not see any black widows, do not squish black widows, black widows are best suffocated using spray adhesive.

While packing, my to-do list became a to-do pile. One moving tip, keep a to-do bag. This is for your to-do list, bills to pay, the last days of mail, your internet passwords, moving estimate, the cell phone charger, all those last minute things that you can't put away and know you will need and do not want to look all over for wondering where you put them. Everything just goes in the bag. Yesterday I went through the bag and made a new current to-do list and balanced the checkbook. The only thing I forgot to do before I left is pick up the dry cleaning and I think I left my internet passwords at Mom's.

Yesterday late afternoon I watched Sophie stick her head in a ground squirrel hole and pull out a squirrel. There is a big ground squirrel problem on the property and Dad has been poisoning them. (Sorry, Colleen!) So, the squirrel wasn't moving and Sophie is chewing on it and I go after her and she eludes me for a while and I finally find her sitting on the grass gnawing on the dead squirrel. The idea was not to poison Sophie, so I get her away and in the house and give her some dog food and then I go to take care of the dead squirrel. What is Dad doing with the dead squirrels? I can't just put it in the trash, the trash man isn't exactly coming tomorrow to pick it up, do I bury it? No, too much effort and Sophie will just dig it up. Where do I put it where Sophie can't get it again or any other animal? So, Dad has a deer fence around the poisoning area that is rampant with squirrel activity and holes and I took a shovel and picked up the dead squirrel and threw it over the deer fence. It fell part way down one of the holes and is now a warning inside the deer fence of death. Country living is not a life for the squeamish.

My cats cleaned themselves up well, but have found their nocturnal nature and kept me up all night Wednesday night, probably after those mice or a lizard, so I slept in the guest house last night and had my first good night's sleep in weeks.

To Dad's

Set off for Dad's at 2 pm yesterday and thought about treatments for the wreckage of the future. Mom is in Westlake Village and Dad is just outside of Paso Robles, so this is about a 3 hour drive. Both cats peed on themselves as soon as I got them into their carriers and Cruiser got a bit hysterical and panted and drooled, which is bad, and both cried the entire way, although their cries got quieter after about an hour. So, I set off for a 3 hour drive after an exhausting week, with a fraction of my life packed in a small car and two crying cats in small carriers and the whole car smells like pee.

The "wreckage of the future" is my friend's phrase for our fear and worry about what we imagine will happen in the future. Most of what we fear in the present is like this, fear of something we imagine will happen but has not happened yet and probably will not. So, for example, as I set off on my drive I worry, what if I get in an accident? what if I get a flat tire? what if the car breaks down? what if my cat has a heart attack and dies on the way? what if the cat gets out and jumps out the window? what if I fall asleep at the wheel? what if one of the gas canisters on that truck in front of me flies off and hits my windshield? This is not a good way to spend 3 hours, so I tried to think about treatments I learned for getting out of fear, or preoccupation with the wreckage of the future.

The best treatment is to stay in the present, which on my drive would mean finding some Zen of safe driving. I am not that enlightened, so I could only achieve this for random moments. It helps to prevent too much preoccupation with the wreckage of the future by making sure you are not hungry, angry, tired, or lonely. I was only half of these, tired and hungry, so I could have prepared better, but I didn't, so, oh well, in another 3 hours I can eat and sleep all I want. So, I am left thinking about the simplest treatment, short term goals, one hour to Santa Barbara, which I want to get through before 3 pm when traffic starts getting bad, another 30 minutes to Buellton, another 30 minutes to Santa Maria, less than another hour to San Luis Obispo, and then another half hour to Dad's.

After 3 1/2 hours I arrived safely at my Dad's with 2 living cats and that drive is now in the past. It was a beautiful drive and a perfect Southern California day.