Where does the day go?

Dad and I are eating three square meals a day and I am still so hungry by 5 pm that I have to join Dad in his cheese and crackers pre-dinner snack. Must be all that fresh air. Either Dad cooks even though he's single, or there is something about cooking for more than one that is more motivating. Sometimes he even makes Bruschetta, I mean he cuts up fresh basil, drizzles olive oil and everything. We went on one long walk, but really the only exercise I'm getting is walking back and forth between the three buildings. (And I do a whole lot of this, usually looking for my glasses.) Even so, I am losing weight. Maybe it's that Dad has no treats and his idea of dessert is now a spoon full of peanut butter with honey on it. I cleaned out the refrigerator this morning, the oldest expiration date I found was 1989.

A few days ago I started cleaning out Dad's studio and made a trash bag of old advertising reference. Dad went to the dump yesterday and before he did he checked the bag and one of his old wrestling pictures (Dad was a wrestler in High School) was in it, so then he had to go through the whole bag. Now I've lost some of my credibility as an editor. I don't really blame him, I found some old Champion Papers promotional pieces from the 60's with classic graphic design among the advertising reference and I could not throw them away either.

I received Cobra information to continue my health insurance, only $646.17 per month! What a joke. When I received my last check from work, it included vacation payout which raised the taxes, the government took almost 1/3! Another joke.

Finished this large painting that was almost done (you may have seen the smaller one, which Mark, the father of the subject, now has) and I brought with me:



And this study (5" x 7") of his brother:



I was not that happy with the study, so I moved on to another one. I am now concentrating on studies or 5" x 7"s.

Where does the day go? I have been here more than a week. Although Boise is still the destination, I am wondering if that is the point of the adventure. I am, for now, really enjoying getting to know my Dad, and remembering two versions of the same direction from two friends, stay open.

Chores in LA

I met a woman at the 4th of July party who's daughter recently moved to Oregon. She said her daughter and her husband found out that they could not make things happen, like get a job, until they actually moved there. This reinforced the impression I was already getting, so the focus is now on housing in Boise. So I called a management company on Tuesday that posted some things I liked on craigslist and asked a bunch of questions. The management company did not seem concerned that I did not have a job. Is renter's protection less there, allowing landlords to be more flexible? The consequences of renter's protections in CA has made it harder to rent a place because the landlord can't get you out when you don't pay. Craigslist is great, I have been able to research rents for two months without even picking up the phone. Then I made a reservation to fly out to Boise for two days in two weeks to look at housing and rent a place. I cannot reserve anything more than two weeks in advance, so there is no point in getting there sooner.

Then drove back and forth to LA yesterday to get money and run errands. I stopped at the retirement plan office and signed paperwork to cash out my retirement. (Thank you to Jessica for her advice to just go in the office and not wait for forms in the mail.) I was disconcerted when I asked when I should be concerned if I had not received my check and the rep was vague and then said to call in a month. A month! That gets me into August and is later than I planned. I can't pay the mover or both a deposit and August rent until I have that money. Got the rest of my stuff and my mail from Mom's, deposited by last paycheck in the bank, picked up the dry cleaning, visited with Lani, checked the storage unit, and bought a digital camera. I missed my Tuesday night women's coffee night and visiting with Lani will tide me over.

This is my first digital camera and I really hesitated to spend the money right now, but I need it for my planned new business to shoot reference, and for my blog. I thought about all the money I saved having not bought one before, how John, my photographer brother, recommended this one 1 1/2 years ago (I've waited a long time!) and also found a deal on a refurbished one for me.

So, today's project is to learn how to use the new camera and see if I can determine a better time frame for getting to Boise and if I should postpone my flight a week or two.

When I got home last night in the dark, the coyote ran out of the yard, through the front gate and across the road through my headlights. This is now three days in a row of the coyote in the yard, which Dad has never seen. Coyotes can be symbolic for me, I have had one run alongside my car twice and one across my path on a hike, and all of the times big changes for me followed, so the coyote is making me wonder. His appearance would be different this time, though, because big changes have already started. Or it may be that he's getting into the ferile cat's food in the garage, since to Dad it looks like another animal besides the cat is getting into it.

Right now there appear to be tourists parked on the one lane road in front of Dad's. I think I will go chase them off.

Unemployed

The coyote came back yesterday in the early evening and boldly came close to the house. It seemed to be looking in all of the old ground squirrel holes and not finding anything, because between Dad and Sophie there are not many left. Sophie caught two during our dinner, and these were not at all dead when she found them. I am glad Dad is here to take care of them this time. Spit spent the entire day under the covers after her not all close encounter with the coyote and I was concerned about her ability to adjust to country life, except that as soon as it was time for her evening stroll she was outside in a minute.

I did not get on my schedule yesterday and I am not sure what I did with the day, which made me finally realize I am unemployed. Not just unemployed, but unemployed and ineligible to unemployment. In 2003 I took a job that turned out not to be what was promised, complained about it, and then was harassed for a year as the owner tried to get me to quit. I hung on until I was fired so I could collect unemployment, and because I was righteous and stubborn. I am not sure it was worth it. By the end of the year of harassment, I was so demoralized that I could not pick myself up and get another job or pick another career and instead stayed focused on my anger at the old job. To quit my last job because I am inspired to do something else feels much better, but I may have to stop reading the unemployment news, which is especially bad today.

Today I am more on track and have already transferred the drawings for two small paintings to watercolor paper. One thing to remember, do not smash bugs on the nice clean white stretched paper. I also started cleaning out cabinets in Dad's studio, with permission. I don't know how Dad will ever pack and move this stuff. (There is that wreckage of the future again.) One downside of having a large property with lots of storage is that you never have to throw anything away.

My life in the cold apartment and in the County job seems light years ago already and I have stopped clenching my teeth in my sleep.

Topic #5 is Inspiration by Patanjali,

“When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great, and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.”

This is such a great topic that I think I will stay with it for a few days and add a few more days to achieving enlightenment. The author of the book calls this being "on purpose in life," it is also called flow, or peak experience. For the artist, this state is well known, although sometimes brief, because it is achieved while creating. When I sold my house, which my realtor corrects me was a Short Sale, not a Short pay, I realized I had not painted anything during the entire 6 years I was there. I don't know why, maybe I was too preoccupied with paying the mortgage, maybe I did not see the point. So after I moved out, I started painting again in all of my spare time, which was by then a lot of time, since I could no longer shop or do home improvement. While I worked sometimes I would have arguments with God, where God would remind me he gave me a talent that I should not waste, and I would ask God why he has not allowed me to make a living at it then, and God would tell me just to paint for now and he would take care of the rest. Maybe it took faith I did not have before to just paint for now. There is also for me something about being in that state of purpose that makes it intolerable to walk around in regular life doing purposeless things surrounded by mindless people.

The author of the book reassures me that when I am in a centered state of purpose, what I need will show up. I think for me I will also recognize what I always had and did not notice, because that is already happening.

4th of July

Happy 4th of July to all. Dad and I went to a party given by one of the nearby ranchers with a little beach house in Cayucos. The host told a story about one of his kids who came home for a month and stayed a year, but Dad didn't look too worried. I found myself unable to answer another one of those simple conversational questions simply, which is, where do you live? One of the guests, another rancher, had a bumper sticker that said, "Got a job yet? Keep buying foreign." His wife talked about how to most effectively shoot ground squirrels and how hard it is now to get ammo. These are my people.

Yesterday I made myself a schedule, it is important when you are unemployed to put yourself on a schedule. I can really kill a day doing not very much. Last time I was unemployed I saw a psychologist as part of a lawsuit who told me to make myself a schedule and stop drinking alcohol, so I stopped seeing her. This time I'm already not drinking, so I get to do things differently. It is important to put the things you do not want to do, or you think will be hard, on the schedule during your best part of the day. Give this a limited time frame and when the time frame is over, you are done with that chore for the day and avoid beating yourself up all day about what you should be doing but are putting off. Yesterday I finished a painting I brought to Dad's that I decided wasn't done, but could not finish before I left. Cruiser took over the drafting chair, but I have to stand to paint in Dad's set-up anyway.

Topic #3 to enlightenment is Leadership with a quote from Lao-Tzu, the author of the Tao Te Ching, about acting simply and true leaders. I'm not going to try to expand on the Tao Te Ching, but appreciate the author of the book's reference to artists leading the Renaissance and I hope I am leading by example.

True leaders
are hardly known to their followers.
Next after them are the leaders
the people know and admire;
after them, those they fear;
after them, those they despise.

To give no trust
is to get no trust.

When the work’s done right,
with no fuss or boasting,
ordinary people say,
Oh, we did it.

I wish I did not pack my Tao Te Ching, but brought it with me.

Topic #5 is Patience with a phrase by Confucius, “Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished.” Patience is not my strong point, and I suppose my adventure (or great affair) will take some patience. My lack of patience is why I prefer watercolors, they require some thorough preparation sometimes, but they are quick and it does not take long for me to be able to stand back and be pleased at my progress, although I suppose I always work mindfully. So in my watercolor example, working quickly is true to the nature of watercolors and not the same as not being thorough. So, like I said, I have trouble with this topic.

Coyote made a round around the ranch this early morning. Cats must have known because they went under the covers, no cat breakfast for Mr. Coyote.

Today's job is to set up my computer. This is a job I hate, so scheduled for this morning. Dad is golfing tomorrow. Wednesday I am back and forth to Mom's to get my last paycheck and put it in the bank, sign paperwork to cash out my pension, and pick up the dry cleaning I forgot.

Exaustion

Let the cats out yesterday morning for their first outdoor visit in 2 years. They are indoor/outdoor cats and went outside at their leisure when I had a house. Cruiser used to sit on the edge of the front yard planter like a guard cat and watch the world go by. They are really attached to me and will not go far without me in sight, do not roam, and are the only cats I've ever had that come when I call their name. They were ferile and 6 weeks old when my daughter convinced me to take them and tame them, there were 4 kittens and I kept two and the other two went together to another family. Spit was the runt, and therefore the most afraid, and a spitter for the first two days until she was tamed, thus the name. Those kittens helped me through the very darkest part of my life. After 2 years of looking out the window or at best a balcony, Cruiser rolled in the dirt and Spit ate grass and Cruiser's tail actually did it's cat version of wagging. I felt so happy I cried.

It was not until I went into Paso Robles to buy cat supplies in the mid-afternoon that I realized how exhausted I am from my move. It is 15 degrees hotter there than at my Dad's and it was so hot that I felt sick and dizzy and went home. I called the long distance mover and reviewed his quote and then decided to give myself the holiday weekend off and relax. I went to the farmer's market in Paso this morning, at 9 am when it was still cool, enjoyed the classic cars which are always all over Paso on a holiday weekend, and bought some berries and another birthday present for Mom.

My friend Colleen gave me a book before I left and I am amazed how appropriate it is for my adventure. It is Wisdom of the Ages by Wayne W. Dyer, 60 Days to Enlightenment, 60 writings by great thinkers and meant to be read one per day. In 60 days I am enlightened, I started Thursday.

1st topic was Meditation. This is the only day with two quotes, one is by Blaise Pascal:
"All man's miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone."
I would not be capable of being at my Dad's by myself without being capable of being in a room alone, so I am off to a good start! It does not hurt that I was forced to give up shopping two years ago and be self-supporting by my own contributions or that I gave up TV to save money at the beginning of the year. I did not realize how I used these distractions until they were gone, but it takes courage and practice to turn off the chatter.

2nd topic is Knowing with a writing by Buddha about discarding false beliefs, or beliefs based on the teaching of others, and the experience of knowing, that starts, "Do not believe what you have heard." This strikes me that what I am doing today is discarding beliefs based on others and going to experience what is best for myself. I have never been able to conform much, I try but I cannot do it for very long, but to most people I must sound crazy today. Do you have a job there? No. Friends there? No. Family? Everyone in my family lives in California. Ever lived in snow? No. I also know that going on my adventure is exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now and I don't know where that knowing comes from, but I have no doubts.

Now I am going to either watch the World Cup or take a nap.

Intro to Country Living

Dad lives on 120 acres halfway between Paso Robles and Cambria. If I told you 80 acres and Santa Rosa, I was mistaken, but 80 or 120, it is still big, and the road is Santa Rosa Road. It is for sale, if you want to see how beautiful it is, here's the link:

http://www.santarosacreek.com/gallery

The property has 4 buildings, the main house, a guest house over the garage, an art studio and shop, and a barn that houses the water tank. I set my cats up in the studio, since that is where I plan on spending most of my time and it has a futon bed, and my clothes and stuff in the guest house. It should be pretty easy for Dad and I to remain the bachelors we are used to being. Dad also has a dog, Sophie, who has the run of the main house, and a ferile cat, that goes in and out of the garage. Dad and I had a chance to visit when I got here and then he left for a two day golf trip, giving me a great opportunity to recover from a week of packing and moving and not enough sleep.

Spit immediately covered herself in cobwebs while trying to hide in the studio, so yesterday I cleaned. Dad's studio is full of his art, has a drafting table I dream about, and more art supplies than anyone could use in a lifetime. It was also full of cobwebs, spiders, and mouse droppings. I popped one mousetrap, before the cat could get to it, and I don't think Dad thought he had a mouse problem in the studio, but I found a great deal of evidence to the contrary. Just the presence of my cats should take care of mice, but living in the country requires tolerance of spiders. When cleaning in the country, wear shoes. I squished many, many spiders of all sizes while I was cleaning. I did not see any black widows, do not squish black widows, black widows are best suffocated using spray adhesive.

While packing, my to-do list became a to-do pile. One moving tip, keep a to-do bag. This is for your to-do list, bills to pay, the last days of mail, your internet passwords, moving estimate, the cell phone charger, all those last minute things that you can't put away and know you will need and do not want to look all over for wondering where you put them. Everything just goes in the bag. Yesterday I went through the bag and made a new current to-do list and balanced the checkbook. The only thing I forgot to do before I left is pick up the dry cleaning and I think I left my internet passwords at Mom's.

Yesterday late afternoon I watched Sophie stick her head in a ground squirrel hole and pull out a squirrel. There is a big ground squirrel problem on the property and Dad has been poisoning them. (Sorry, Colleen!) So, the squirrel wasn't moving and Sophie is chewing on it and I go after her and she eludes me for a while and I finally find her sitting on the grass gnawing on the dead squirrel. The idea was not to poison Sophie, so I get her away and in the house and give her some dog food and then I go to take care of the dead squirrel. What is Dad doing with the dead squirrels? I can't just put it in the trash, the trash man isn't exactly coming tomorrow to pick it up, do I bury it? No, too much effort and Sophie will just dig it up. Where do I put it where Sophie can't get it again or any other animal? So, Dad has a deer fence around the poisoning area that is rampant with squirrel activity and holes and I took a shovel and picked up the dead squirrel and threw it over the deer fence. It fell part way down one of the holes and is now a warning inside the deer fence of death. Country living is not a life for the squeamish.

My cats cleaned themselves up well, but have found their nocturnal nature and kept me up all night Wednesday night, probably after those mice or a lizard, so I slept in the guest house last night and had my first good night's sleep in weeks.

To Dad's

Set off for Dad's at 2 pm yesterday and thought about treatments for the wreckage of the future. Mom is in Westlake Village and Dad is just outside of Paso Robles, so this is about a 3 hour drive. Both cats peed on themselves as soon as I got them into their carriers and Cruiser got a bit hysterical and panted and drooled, which is bad, and both cried the entire way, although their cries got quieter after about an hour. So, I set off for a 3 hour drive after an exhausting week, with a fraction of my life packed in a small car and two crying cats in small carriers and the whole car smells like pee.

The "wreckage of the future" is my friend's phrase for our fear and worry about what we imagine will happen in the future. Most of what we fear in the present is like this, fear of something we imagine will happen but has not happened yet and probably will not. So, for example, as I set off on my drive I worry, what if I get in an accident? what if I get a flat tire? what if the car breaks down? what if my cat has a heart attack and dies on the way? what if the cat gets out and jumps out the window? what if I fall asleep at the wheel? what if one of the gas canisters on that truck in front of me flies off and hits my windshield? This is not a good way to spend 3 hours, so I tried to think about treatments I learned for getting out of fear, or preoccupation with the wreckage of the future.

The best treatment is to stay in the present, which on my drive would mean finding some Zen of safe driving. I am not that enlightened, so I could only achieve this for random moments. It helps to prevent too much preoccupation with the wreckage of the future by making sure you are not hungry, angry, tired, or lonely. I was only half of these, tired and hungry, so I could have prepared better, but I didn't, so, oh well, in another 3 hours I can eat and sleep all I want. So, I am left thinking about the simplest treatment, short term goals, one hour to Santa Barbara, which I want to get through before 3 pm when traffic starts getting bad, another 30 minutes to Buellton, another 30 minutes to Santa Maria, less than another hour to San Luis Obispo, and then another half hour to Dad's.

After 3 1/2 hours I arrived safely at my Dad's with 2 living cats and that drive is now in the past. It was a beautiful drive and a perfect Southern California day.